I do not feel, I do not see, I do not hear. My senses have already faded into a far distance that I can never seem to reach.
I do not know what I am doing.
My eyes scan over inky ants that crawl all over the page, but I do not understand what they are telling. My ears pick up all whispers and murmurs and babbling, but I do not comprehend the logic behind all those sounds.
I do not know my purpose.
I do not know what anything means, because everything ceases to have a meaning. There is no meaning in hatred, in love, in joy, in grief. No meaning.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I do not know anymore.
My protective personality clouds my eyes to see anything except the one who tries to take my friend away from me. This morning I brushed my teeth so hard (because I was so pissed off) that the bristles on the toothbrush are bent.
My life seems like a joke: people I love belong to other people, people I want to befriend with are befriended to other people, people I try to save are saved by other people. Most annoying of all, I see my friends as my only, and yet these other people see our relationship as “only friends”.
But in my heart, I go way beyond “only friends”. If someone is actually willing to talk to me about life philosophy, politics, and other matters on this world, and if he is so similar as me, I would transcend the “only friends” level. What I really want is to connect on the spiritual level, while the other people are just interested in looks.
I hope he understands that I am taking our friendship seriously, instead of being a girl who just want to flirt with cute-looking guys. I also hope he can distinguish between those who really want to get to know him and those who just want to flirt with him.
When I see the one I love with her, I am overcome with waves that crush me with their incompatible force. The sky falls down on me and I am compressed deep into the ground, unable to get up again to face the world and everything and him.
I want so much to scream at him, to scream out what I have on mind: “Leave her. Leave her. Leave her.”
I want so much to chant in his ears, to chide him with what he has done: “How is she better?”
But I am restrained like a horse tethered in reins, because I am not his lover and so I am not empowered to condemn him.
Oh what have I done to deserve this? To see my loved one fly away with his loved one on their fragile wings—what worse punishments are there on the world?
As you can see, this category is for whatever emotion that I feel during the day. I’ll put the name of that emotion in the title, while not writing the word in the passage.
This category is very personal—unlike the one about Greek gods, since that’s fantasy—and can be very negative.
So yeah, enjoy.
Leave me in my own misery, for I am better off without your presence. You bring not joy, but fear. I perish under your hands, as I can not withstand your force, your strength, your power.
You are eternal darkness, engulfing me with your mass and and pulling me down into the endless void. I try countless times to escape your invisible grasp, but it is when I see what I care about before me that I fall into your blackness—when at that millisecond of hope I step into your trap.
I am a passenger in your doom bus, which takes each one of us on a one-way trip that has no escape. Oh, look! I am at the destination—the land of nothing, the land of emptiness, the land of you. Release me—I beg you. I would rather die than dwell in your hands, as death is such a mercy compared to what you have prepared for me. I cannot live with the horrible feeling you give me.