I do not feel, I do not see, I do not hear. My senses have already faded into a far distance that I can never seem to reach.

I do not know what I am doing.

My eyes scan over inky ants that crawl all over the page, but I do not understand what they are telling. My ears pick up all whispers and murmurs and babbling, but I do not comprehend the logic behind all those sounds.

I do not know my purpose.

I do not know what anything means, because everything ceases to have a meaning. There is no meaning in hatred, in love, in joy, in grief. No meaning.


I do not know anymore.



My protective personality clouds my eyes to see anything except the one who tries to take my friend away from me. This morning I brushed my teeth so hard (because I was so pissed off) that the bristles on the toothbrush are bent.

My life seems like a joke: people I love belong to other people, people I want to befriend with are befriended to other people, people I try to save are saved by other people. Most annoying of all, I see my friends as my only, and yet these other people see our relationship as “only friends”.

But in my heart, I go way beyond “only friends”. If someone is actually willing to talk to me about life philosophy, politics, and other matters on this world, and if he is so similar as me, I would transcend the “only friends” level. What I really want is to connect on the spiritual level, while the other people are just interested in looks.

I hope he understands that I am taking our friendship seriously, instead of being a girl who just want to flirt with cute-looking guys. I also hope he can distinguish between those who really want to get to know him and those who just want to flirt with him.

via Toothbrush

My Film’s Trailer is Out!

My film is all about flipping over the “traditional” view on gays.

(roll down to watch trailer if you don’t want to see my babbling)

One day, the co-director of this film, Paul, came and asked if I was interested in doing the Kinsey scale test, which measures how “gay” or “straight” I was. Naturally, both of us got “equally homosexual and heterosexual”—which basically says we are bisexual.

This test could be inaccurate, of course, but while my friends did the test, I noticed that more than half of them denied they were attracted to their own sex and were somewhat repulsed by the idea.

I can imagine. My own parents never ever talked to me about sexual orientation and stuff. Once my mom and I went shopping, and my mom commented on a celebrity who didn’t look manly, saying that he looked like a gay. I argued with her, not because I liked the celebrity, but because my mom was holding some serious stereotypes of gays.

Plus, I didn’t like the way she said the word “gay”; as if it was an embarrassing topic or something.

I don’t like homophobia. I don’t like traditional values (my mom isn’t traditional but hey, everyone has an opinion).

Subscribe to Apollo Workshop on YouTube if you are interested, so that you will see the film first-hand!



When I see the one I love with her, I am overcome with waves that crush me with their incompatible force. The sky falls down on me and I am compressed deep into the ground, unable to get up again to face the world and everything and him.

I want so much to scream at him, to scream out what I have on mind: “Leave her. Leave her. Leave her.”

I want so much to chant in his ears, to chide him with what he has done: “How is she better?”

But I am restrained like a horse tethered in reins, because I am not his lover and so I am not empowered to condemn him.

Oh what have I done to deserve this? To see my loved one fly away with his loved one on their fragile wings—what worse punishments are there on the world?

via Tether

Neither Good Nor Bad

I love dilemmas.

In logic, dilemma means a difficult situation where someone has to choose either of two unfavorable alternatives. Well, the dilemmas I’m referring to are dilemmas in our mind, like choosing one side from two to stand.

One of the dilemmas I encountered recently is the question whether Oscar Schindler was a good or bad man at the end of the film “Schindler’s List”. Long story short, Oscar Schindler was an ethnic German business man who was also member of the National Socialist German Worker’s Party during World War II; he employed about 1200 Jews, many of whom had been in concentration camps. Schindler’s first factory was in Krakow, Poland, but he later moved the whole factory and the Jew workers to his hometown. At the end of World War II, there were only about 4000 Jews in Poland, so 1200 Jews alive in one factory was an amazing number.

So was Schindler a good man at the end of the film?

Schindler’s initial goal in running a factory was to make money; he employed Jews possibly because Jew workforce was cheaper than Polish workforce, so that he could maximize profit. Maybe it was because after he saw the horrors of concentration camps or the sort that he changed his motive—that he began to save as many as he could.

But I argued that Schindler wasn’t a good man at the end of the film (which was immediately after WWII and after he’d saved so many people).

I don’t mean that he was a bad man. We’re humans, and humans are ambivalent creatures. We cannot be good all our lives, or even remain good for a long time.

Language is tricky that way. “Good” and “bad” are words of extremity and absoluteness and are each at the end of a spectrum. You can’t be an absolute good person, just like the society can’t become Utopia. You can only try to become the absolute good person.

Schindler had good intentions—that I agree—but it doesn’t necessarily mean he was a good man.  Yes, he had done a good thing at the end, but he had also done a lot of things that are considered “not good”. Doing a good thing doesn’t make someone a good person.

As I’d said before, Schindler wasn’t a good man or a bad man; this would remain throughout the film (and his life), and so to answer the question: No, I don’t think Schindler was a good man at the end of the film.

My classmates and I had a heated discussion on this good/bad man topic. Most of them had uniform answers. But whatever the case, I think that even though this question may appear easy and straightforward, it is actually something to think about.

via Uniform

Progress: Almost Done

Today my team has successfully shot one of the most important scenes in my short film.


This scene is a dialogue between the two main characters. The man goes to find the woman in a piano room, telling her that she must go meet the other character. At this point, the man reveals that he likes the woman.

Then, in the other scene, after the woman comes back to find the man, she agrees to date with him.

I set this second scene outside the piano rooms, in an open ground where elementary school students have their recess every afternoon. This is, in fact, the only difficulty I’ve encountered in shooting this very short scene, because I didn’t expect so many kids running about! More importantly, I didn’t want kids circling around the actors (one of whom is actually me😂) while the cameraman shot the scene. That would be very awkward.

Fortunately, the kids soon wandered off, and we had a moment of peace—during which the scene was shot—before we met people we knew.

Update on the progress: there’re only 3 scenes left.

Support From a Friend

Today when I went to find my cameraman, he was talking with a girl from our grade. (I’ll call her K.) So K is a lesbian/bisexual and has a girlfriend. When she asked what kind of short film we were filming, I told her it is about LGBTQ, upon which K’s eyes lit up. She was very enthusiastic and asked me if she could be one of the first to watch the film when it’s done. I was so glad that she supported us.

Finding Music

Last weekend I researched online about music copyright and commissioning an artist to do the music. The issue with copyright is a bit different in China—one uses whatever song he or she finds without citing it and is not aware of copyrights.

I’m not comfortable with using someone else’s music without crediting him or her, but I also don’t know if using a famous song and crediting its artist for my short film is okay. The search engines aren’t giving lots of answers.

I guess the best way to be legal (and original) is to commission a composer. I happen to know someone who composes music. I should pay him because he’s not giving his service for free! Now the problem is, I don’t know how much I should pay him… (he’s my friend; he’s a student; he’s in Europe)